| me no likey. |
[06 Aug 2010|05:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
And that's just about it.
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| So now, |
[25 Jul 2010|10:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nauseated |
] |
I feel guilty.
Good job, self.
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| epiphany of the night |
[18 Jul 2010|08:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
I just realized I haven't had an emo-lovelorn-post for a long time.
Interesting.
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| inschmecurities. |
[24 Jun 2010|11:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
When by some strange wind of chance I happen to find myself in places like High Chair or POC, I always, always end up feeling very small, insignificant and worthless.
I can't help it. I mean, these people who are writing here - over at High Chair, especially - are just about my age, and there they are getting published left and right, writing about this and that while I sit here, typing away gloomily about my absence in the corpus of Philippine Literature.
Here I am worrying about which blog accounts to keep and which to drop, when it really doesn't matter anyway - out of the four places I have accounts in, only two have been touched the past week: here and Tumblr. The stuff I have at Tumblr are worth jackshit. The stuff I have here are all emoness and iterations brought about by The Great Cloud of Doom and Gloom.
Future writing prompts. Tsch. Who am I kidding?
Sure, High Chair is poetry and POC is... well, almost everything under the sun, and it shouldn't really be a huge deal since I'm more of a fictionist than anything. (Such is the seed of an entirely different discourse.) But it's because of the fact that I know these people that it... hurts. It hurts that I'm not doing a thing about any of this.
Today, by the way, is the day I deleted a year's worth of bookmarks from my browser (which is to say everything); the day I managed to overwrite my backup at Xmarks by sheer virtue of idiocy.
I have already dubbed this week as my fuckiest, most unproductive week of the month. I can't blame the universe, because I set myself up for this.
So, yeah. PEACHY is definitely NOT something imma use to describe myself today.
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| I know this place. I've been here before. |
[13 Jun 2010|09:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 rushed |
] |
I think I'm doing too many things right now.
The fact that I haven't blogged for a good, long time is a testament to that. The fact that the throbbing at the sides of my head have been getting worse and worse lately proves just that.
I know I should cut down on stuff, because while multi-tasking has its pros, doing too many things at the same time sometimes leads to nothing getting done at all. Which, I think, is what's happening now.
Or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself?
One of the ideas that's drilling itself in my head these days is that I should be somewhere now. I know it roots from me comparing myself with other people - contemporaries - which in itself is not a good practice... but I can't help it. I'm twenty-four years old. I should already have produced something worthwhile - a book, a collection of short stories, a start-up business - with all the years I have existed.
Or shouldn't I?
Last year, my problem was I didn't know what to do with my life. Funny how life works - now I have more things to do than one life could probably handle.
I still want a one-day pass to a cave where there's no TV, phone, internet, or friends who live nearby. Seriously.
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| time management |
[16 May 2010|03:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 morose |
] |
I should really consider making a daily schedule for myself. Allot certain things to certain times and all that. Just so a day doesn't go by when I feel like it's been wasted and I end up feeling morose about time gone.
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| it's been foreveeeeer. |
[17 Apr 2010|01:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
Final requirements finally over.
But lemme breathe first.
And then we'll talk. :)
PS. You're gonna love the comeback, I promise you that much.
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|
| you know you're downright tired when... |
[23 Mar 2010|09:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
...you wish with every fiber in your being that you were sick with something and can just stay in bed all day, all night sans guilt and pressure and stress and shit.
My last days at work seem soooo far away. I still have Joyce and Atwood papers to get to this Saturday, a panel to worry about, revisions and a three-inch book to read.
I haven't had decent rest since God-knows-when.
How many times have I said 'ayoko na' these past few months? The words seem to have already lost their meaning with me and my repeating them over and over and over again.
I just want a day of guilt-free vegetation. I deserve a day of guilt-free vegetation. How hard to come by is that?
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| reality check. |
[10 Feb 2010|03:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
- Drama only has until the sun rises tomorrow, February 11, 2010. This most definitely includes you and the spawn of our so-called friendship. After tonight, I promise to stop overanalyzing every goddamn detail and wishing things didn't happen the way they did. (Because, goddamnit, self, it DID happen the way it did and you can't do anything about it except deal with it and move the hell on.) You very well know how I can keep my word when I want to.
- I will not be available for coffee, lunch, dinner, movies, reunions, gigs and existential drama after tonight and until March. Gigs and dates I've agreed to go to before this moment stand, but will not be added to. If it's a matter of life and death, text me or leave an offline message. You guys know how much I love you, and after what happened recently, I know for a fact that a bunch of you love me back just as much, if not more. So, yeah. Please understand that I need to go hide in that faraway place called my home and read and write, and read and write like mad. And yes, dear friends, even a sudden invitation for a movie or gig or whatever from that certain someone will not stand. It will probably hurt like an impacted wisdom tooth being pulled out without Novocaine, and it will more than likely take all the willpower I have at the molecular level to say no to him, but I swear to all things good, true and fluffy, I will not give in. Until March comes in, that is.
- MFA, work and PinkFive in that particular order are my top (only) priorities right now. I know-- It's mean. I'm mean. But we already know this is why we're friends, right?
- Have you seen this? Click it. I'm too busy to tell you I'm busy.
- Needless to say, I am officially refusing to have a life until March sets in.
Disclaimer: Wala akong inaaaway sa post na ito. Kelangan ko lang talagang ayusin ang buhay ko.
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| it's been more than two weeks. |
[25 Jan 2010|05:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
And I still can't bear to look at Sir G's comments on my final short story project from over three months ago.
It'd actually be all right to NOT look at it, but when you know the story sucks balls and you know that regardless of its crappiness, you're STILL going to have to read it in its entirety to twelve other people (including a professor whose favorite hobby is to roll his eyes heavenwards) who would tear it to pieces critique it afterwards...
Y'know. Y'know what you have to do.
Friends have been bugging me left and right to just suck it up and start flipping pages; but the best I can do is turn the whole manuscript over and look at the back where his scrawny handwriting says three things I have already committed to memory:
1. What is this really about? This is somehow related to the problem with your narrator.
2. I'm sure there's a market for a story like this, but I suspect I am not part of that.
3. Punctuate your dialogue properly.
I've tried browsing through his comments on my process essay, but I only reached until like, page four of seven. Not bad, sure. But not good enough either.
I've already seriously considered tossing the whole thing into a pyre just to take it out of the picture; but no. It's still buried under a pile of papers and photocopied readings from the last two terms, burning its way out of the stack and back into my sight.
Damnit.
At the moment, I'm in the process of revising the whole thing. Actually, revise is a nice way of putting it. Overhaul is more accurate. Even before reading what I'm sure is a gazillion comments from Sir, I know the problem with the structure is really because the barest essence of the story is problematic in itself. Which is why if you ask me now what the story was/is about, all I'd be able to give you is a blank stare.
And so, therefore, adding to my one novel, a handful essays on fiction reading requirement per week, and my uber-long list of books I've recently bought but have not read, is a bunch of reading materials on the philosophy of free will, selflessness/selfishness and angels. Because as it turns out, this short story project I happened to stumble upon three months ago is a lot more than I can chew in one cramming day.
And it's only after I've managed to do all that and pull the weeds out of my first draft that I can actually begin to flip the first page of my manuscript to read the entirety of Sir G's commentary. A talisman. Of sorts.
Crap.
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| ahhh yes. |
[24 Jan 2010|08:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
My conscience now has less things to bug me about. Yay!
Because it wasn't like the time of Ondoy when I could volunteer my time, I donated P100 to the Red Cross Haiti Fund through text. Thanks, Globe.
To friends who have Globe/SMART phones, a heart of gold and some change to spare, please donate to Red Cross through text now:
For Globe users:
Text HAITI to 2899.
Ex. HAITI 50 to 2899.
Available amounts for donation are: 5/25/50/100/300/500/1000.
For SMART users:
For SMART users:
Text HAITI to 4483.
Ex. HAITI 50 to 4483.
Available amounts for donation are: 10/25/50/100
Transaction is FREE OF CHARGE. Only the amount you donated will be deducted from your load. :)
If all of us can spare as little P5 of our phone credits, it'd already mean a lot to the people in Haiti. So, donate now and/or spread the word!
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| wait lang. |
[23 Dec 2009|03:42pm] |
|
I'll be back blogging soon. Promise. :)
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| I'm tired. |
[04 Dec 2009|12:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
'Nuff said.
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| These days, you don't have to sleep to have a nightmare. |
[24 Nov 2009|11:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sick |
] |
“Our last accounting showed there are 46 (dead) already," said Nerona. “Twenty-two were found above ground while 24 were dug up today."
Authorities had earlier recovered on Monday the bodies of 22 victims killed in the politically-motivated massacre. They were among a group of some 50 men and women, including lawyers and journalists, who were abducted by an estimated one hundred armed men reportedly belonging to the camp of Governor Andal Ampatuan of Maguindanao province. They were about to file a certificate of candidacy in behalf of Esmael “Toto" Mangudadatu, vice mayor of Buluan town, who planned to run against Ampatuan’s son Andal Jr. for the gubernatorial post. Chief Superintendent Josefino Cataluna, police regional director for Soccsksargen, said the police have already identified 20 of the fatalities. Among them are Toto’s wife, Genalin Mangudadatu, and Toto's sister Eden Mangudadatu, the incumbent Vice Mayor of Mangudadatu town in Maguindanao. [Read more here.]
...Shariff Aguak, the provincial capital, is widely known as Ampatuan turf. [ Maguindanao Vice Mayor Datu Ismail "Toto" Mangudadatu ] sent his female relatives in the belief that his political rivals would not hurt them, in consideration of Islamic tradition to respect women. [Read more here.]
====
Nothing makes you forget about your deadlines, your current financial status, or your other worldly concerns like 46 lives snuffed out for the lust of power.
( I was in shock. And then, I was in tears. )
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| on disappointments |
[15 Nov 2009|04:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
Hindi porke't sinabi n'yang mahal ka n'ya eh hindi na s'ya gagawa ng ikasasama ng loob mo.
Pero minsan, hindi rin naman n'ya sinasadyang saktan ka. Meron lang talagang mga taong salat sa IQ at EQ; hindi nila narirealize na meron silang utak na puwedeng gamitin at pusong puwedeng makaramdam. Minsan, hindi lang talaga nila nahahalata na isang maling salita, isang maling galaw, isang maling buga ng kapalaran lang eh bibigay ka na ng tuluyan.
Lahat ng tao eh merong lapse in judgement. Tao nga lang naman. Hindi nga perpekto, 'di ba?
Hindi mo lang siguro maintindihan kung bakit sa lahat ng tao, eh siya pa 'yung nanggaganyan.
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| angel and the NBDB lecture series |
[12 Nov 2009|08:16pm] |
Having attended the NBDB's lecture series on How to Read this Generation's Fiction and Creative Non-fiction for the past two days, hanging out with classmates/fellow aspiring writers after, and mulling over a lot of things in between looooooong hours of commute home (living two and a half hours from civilization does have its little perks), a handful of puzzle pieces with regard to the craft, the art and the things in between have finally fallen into place in my head.
( i heart jooooo. )
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| money. |
[22 Oct 2009|11:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
Never has what I need been clearer than this very moment.
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| define life. |
[17 Oct 2009|01:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
Deadlines, Short Messages Sent, Rants/Raves, and 1.8 Kg Laptops-in-a-Backpack.
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rainyday_angel's journal
